DISCLAIMER- Contains gory female detail, PLEASE STOP READING IF SQUEAMISH
Walking into first time parenthood can be compared to walking round the SAW maze at Thorpe Park- and I do mean there will be a tiny child-thing staring at you whilst you sleep. I’m not joking. (Do try to prepare for this because they do tend to get upset when you scream) There was so many things they didn’t tell us about in sex ed, they were all keen to tell you about the sleepless nights but failed to mention some key things. I thought I was only one who didn’t know these things but apparently not many of my girlfriends knew either.
- The after bleeding- After the trauma or childbirth you are then greeted with the almighty pain of 6 weeks bleeding and I do not mean just a light period, it’s a full on body weight loss of blood. The kind where if you sneeze in the bath you have to run a new one. After I had given birth I went into the wet room where I tried to help my vagina heal from shoving my childs body out and the shower area looked like a scene from American Physco (great film). Pat came into check if I was okay and he got a midwife because he thought something dreadful was happening.
- The after birth- Awwww so you’ve just given birth so it’s all over right? WRONG. You have to give birth again to your placenta. Lucky it’s all over with a push though. Do not mistake this for a smaller more alien-looking baby, no matter how many drugs the lovely hospital blessed you with.
- Stitches- By the point where you’ve given birth you’ve absolutely lost all your dignity but you couldn’t care less because you have a gorgeous little baby. However after they examine you over to check if your sweet little darling has ripped your poor vagina in half they sew you up.
- Reflux- Yes, I obviously had assumed the baby would be sick occasionally but my god I didn’t prepare for projectile vomitting and the agony that is reflux. It’s where they bring back their milk after every feed because their tummy and feeding pipe can’t handle food.
- The ‘third day’- If you were to tell your mums or nans that you were suffering badly when the babies third day comes about (of being alive) they would give you a sympathetic smile and go and make you a hot drink served with a box of tissues. When the baby is three days old your milk comes into your tits properly which also comes with a bag load of hormones (picture the worst period of your life). When Delilah was three days old I spent the day in my PJs watching box sets and sent Pat off into town for a breast pump, KFC meal and a toy Olaf. I was much more prepared for it with Indy!
- A push present- Ladies get the fuck on board with this. Your baby is the best gift ever but surely you should get a little treat for not drinking, not sleeping, puking at every smell and pushing a whole baby out?! Yes you should! It’s a bit of a new trend with celebrities but you can bet any money on the fact that I jumped onto this in both pregnancies.
- Hair loss- “Oh my hair got so lovely and thick during my pregnancy” DID IT HUN DO TELL ME MORE. I lost a ton and it is perfectly normal apparently. My hair still hasn’t recovered from it.
- The ‘glow’- not glow more like a sweat. I carried Indy through a heatwave and I was walking glowstick/water feature but not water just sweat. (Where are all these glowing women? I want to meet them and ask what moisturiser they use because it absolutely beats me where this baby induced summer tan is coming from.)
- The inability to find any nice maternity clothes- I’m not joking it was such a struggle to find anything nice to wear unless you like to look like a 40 year teacher assistant who still dresses like they’re in the nineties. Luckily I found a few nice bits from ASOS and my friend’s mum lent me some clothes. I did have to wash things a lot because I didn’t have many options which costs a LOT more than you think in detergent. Plus the minute I did find some nice maternity wear the designers seem to think you have the tiniest bump in existence (I’m talking hamster ball-size here) and they also think after all the prams, clothes, nappies and everything else you have to buy you are TOTALLY loaded enough to fork out hundreds. No thank you. I’ll stick to size 20 (sob) jumpers from Primark.
I would hate for anyone to think that I find motherhood a chore because I absolutely love being a mum. I do however dislike being pregnant, I had a lot of complications and I found it very rubbish to be honest. A lot of people find that opinion unpopular but it is high time somebody said it. It is completely worth it, but I think it’s time women were able to stand up and say “I hated being pregnant” without some kind of backlash. I’m not ungrateful either because at a young age I was told i’d struggle to have children and a lot of people (some very close to me) aren’t able to have them. I love Delilah and Indy with every bit of my heart but I also know its ok to say that apart from feeling them kick and growing them I didn’t enjoy pregnancy one little bit. Happily would go through it again to have them though!
Love Sophie, Delilah and Indiana x
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Editor- Eleanor Jones. Contact us if you require edits on any writing