A letter for my PND baby,

A letter for my PND baby,

Dear Indiana my little post natal baby,

 

I counted down the minutes for your arrival

I kissed your scan picture good night

Delilah and I cuddled your bump

I counted your kicks to check you was alright

 

I set up and your nursery and put together your stroller

We went to the scan to find out your gender

We was so prepared for your entrance into the world

We was all set for our fourth family member

 

I wasn’t ready for the sadness

I wasn’t ready for the tears

I wasn’t ready to pick you up

Or kiss your tiny ears

 

I didn’t understand why I was so unhappy

Why I couldn’t stop crying so loud

All I wanted to do was enjoy you and make memories

But instead there a gloomy cloud

 

I took my pills and talked it over

11 Months have passed and i’m finely battling through

I love you forever and always,

My little baby boy blue.

 

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Postnatal depression doesn’t make me a bad mum nor does it any other mum

Postnatal depression doesn’t make me a bad mum nor does it any other mum

When I was a child I used to bottle things up and until I would explode. On the outside it looked as if I was a live wire. When in reality I was harbouring every dark thought, every sad thing I had to deal with, and pretty much every other emotion I didn’t want to share with anyone. I was going through extra stress and pain that none of my friends had, I didn’t think anyone would understand. It wasn’t until I started speaking to a councilor weekly my mind began to ease, and I wasn’t so afraid to speak out anymore. So I now know it’s okay to speak out about your problems, you think you’re suffering alone when in fact you are surrounded by plenty of others feeling the same as you.

Motherhood didn’t come as easily as I had expected (why isn’t there a manual?!). It wasn’t rosy and a fairy tale who other mums at babies groups portrayed it with their little married lives, their fancy mortgages and conservatory extensions they had planned. Why didn’t they want to moan about how crappy teething at 3am is?!

My mind spiraled out of control and I was biting Paddy’s head off about the teeniest, most trivial things. We were on the brink of a break up and I didn’t know how to stop myself before things could get worse.

I used to wake up in a panic checking Delilah was still breathing. Not once a night but hourly. It was heart breaking to feel like I wasn’t Sophie anymore. I was a shell.

One sad day, Polly called and I cried and cried and cried. I told her I didn’t want to hold my baby or look at them anymore.

It wasn’t normal to feel this way and it wasn’t just a bit of ‘Baby blues’, a term I have grown to loathe by the way, it was the feeling like my children shouldn’t have me as a mum, a sad thought that struck so deep that I knew it needed dealing with as soon as possible.

It took a lot to pluck up the courage to go seek help and without Paddy, my friends and my family I’d have never come to terms with it but now I know I can talk to people, take my medication and be a happy mum. You may not be able to start the day until you’ve had a coffee or speak to anyone until you’ve had a shower. Me? I have to take an antidepressant and then I’m me. It’s not a forever thing nor is it me romancing things like it’s some kind of new trend. It’s not a shiny Bugaboo Pram in a Gurgle magazine. It’s normalising a mental health condition.

“I love being a mum, I’m good at motherhood and my children adore me.”

Every mum should say this when looking in the mirror. Granted some days are tough and you wish you could hoover up the lego when a tiny piece impales your foot or hide in the cupboard under the stairs to have a cry/drink your tea before it goes cold/scroll through Instagram. But even then when you check your babies sleeping you know every tantrum, projectile vomit, Poo leaked nappy is worth it.

There’s absolutely nothing embarrassing or silly about admitting you have PND, it’s so important to get help and seek your GP for advice or www.samaritans.org or even message me, I know how crappy things can get.

Big hugs

Love Sophie, Delilah and Indiana x

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Editor- Eleanor Jones. Contact us if you require edits on any writing

Things they should tell you in antenatal class

Things they should tell you in antenatal class

DISCLAIMER- Contains gory female detail, PLEASE STOP READING IF SQUEAMISH

Walking into first time parenthood can be compared to walking round the SAW maze at Thorpe Park- and I do mean there will be a tiny child-thing staring at you whilst you sleep. I’m not joking. (Do try to prepare for this because they do tend to get upset when you scream) There was so many things they didn’t tell us about in sex ed, they were all keen to tell you about the sleepless nights but failed to mention some key things. I thought I was only one who didn’t know these things but apparently not many of my girlfriends knew either.

  • The after bleeding- After the trauma or childbirth you are then greeted with the almighty pain of 6 weeks bleeding and I do not mean just a light period, it’s a full on body weight loss of blood. The kind where if you sneeze in the bath you have to run a new one. After I had given birth I went into the wet room where I tried to help my vagina heal from shoving my childs body out and the shower area looked like a scene from American Physco (great film). Pat came into check if I was okay and he got a midwife because he thought something dreadful was happening.
  • The after birth- Awwww so you’ve just given birth so it’s all over right? WRONG. You have to give birth again to your placenta. Lucky it’s all over with a push though. Do not mistake this for a smaller more alien-looking baby, no matter how many drugs the lovely hospital blessed you with.
  • Stitches- By the point where you’ve given birth you’ve absolutely lost all your dignity but you couldn’t care less because you have a gorgeous little baby. However after they examine you over to check if your sweet little darling has ripped your poor vagina in half they sew you up.
  • Reflux- Yes, I obviously had assumed the baby would be sick occasionally but my god I didn’t prepare for projectile vomitting and the agony that is reflux. It’s where they bring back their milk after every feed because their tummy and feeding pipe can’t handle food.
  • The ‘third day’- If you were to tell your mums or nans that you were suffering badly when the babies third day comes about (of being alive) they would give you a sympathetic smile and go and make you a hot drink served with a box of tissues. When the baby is three days old your milk comes into your tits properly which also comes with a bag load of hormones (picture the worst period of your life). When Delilah was three days old I spent the day in my PJs watching box sets and sent Pat off into town for a breast pump, KFC meal and a toy Olaf. I was much more prepared for it with Indy!
  • A push present- Ladies get the fuck on board with this. Your baby is the best gift ever but surely you should get a little treat for not drinking, not sleeping, puking at every smell and pushing a whole baby out?! Yes you should! It’s a bit of a new trend with celebrities but you can bet any money on the fact that I jumped onto this in both pregnancies.
  • Hair loss- “Oh my hair got so lovely and thick during my pregnancy” DID IT HUN DO TELL ME MORE. I lost a ton and it is perfectly normal apparently. My hair still hasn’t recovered from it.
  • The ‘glow’- not glow more like a sweat. I carried Indy through a heatwave and I was walking glowstick/water feature but not water just sweat. (Where are all these glowing women? I want to meet them and ask what moisturiser they use because it absolutely beats me where this baby induced summer tan is coming from.)
  • The inability to find any nice maternity clothes- I’m not joking it was such a struggle to find anything nice to wear unless you like to look like a 40 year teacher assistant who still dresses like they’re in the nineties. Luckily I found a few nice bits from ASOS and my friend’s mum lent me some clothes. I did have to wash things a lot because I didn’t have many options which costs a LOT more than you think in detergent. Plus the minute I did find some nice maternity wear the designers seem to think you have the tiniest bump in existence (I’m talking hamster ball-size here) and they also think after all the prams, clothes, nappies and everything else you have to buy you are TOTALLY loaded enough to fork out hundreds. No thank you. I’ll stick to size 20 (sob) jumpers from Primark.

I would hate for anyone to think that I find motherhood a chore because I absolutely love being a mum. I do however dislike being pregnant, I had a lot of complications and I found it very rubbish to be honest. A lot of people find that opinion unpopular but it is high time somebody said it. It is completely worth it, but I think it’s time women were able to stand up and say “I hated being pregnant” without some kind of backlash. I’m not ungrateful either because at a young age I was told i’d struggle to have children and a lot of people (some very close to me) aren’t able to have them. I love Delilah and Indy with every bit of my heart but I also know its ok to say that apart from feeling them kick and growing them I didn’t enjoy pregnancy one little bit. Happily would go through it again to have them though!

Love Sophie, Delilah and Indiana x

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Editor- Eleanor Jones. Contact us if you require edits on any writing